Continuing on from my last blog, I now found myself home ready to basically see what was going to happen to me over the next three days with my portable Chemo pump or as I fondly refer to it ‘Brick’. (I’ve popped a link at the bottom of the blog for anyone wanting more info on these).

Before I begin, I probably should explain when I refer to “home’ it was actually an apartment I was able to stay in by myself whilst going through treatment. As I referred to in earlier blogs, my actual ‘home’ was seven hours away and hopefully not being trashed by the 18 year old doing his ‘gap’ year.

A lot of people have asked me if I was lonely during this time. Not at all. I think most people going through chemo may need people around them for a lot of reasons, but I have always been notoriously very independent. Like many people I tend to wear a public mask which is very energised and positive but can only maintain it for a certain amount of time. Like a mobile phone, I’ve always needed my own time to recharge the battery. This is hard to admit but I absolutely hate anyone seeing any of my ‘weaknesses’ (of which there are actually truckloads.)

Obviously going through chemo reveals ‘weaknesses ‘ and the battery certainly runs more on empty than full, so in my case being able to be alone and be angry, tired, cross and concentrate only on getting well, without having to be ‘up’ all the time, worked best for me. It also let me hide a lot of the truth of the situation from other people because in all honesty I really didn’t see the point in stressing my family or friends. I am sure I was still sending the “all’s good here” message to everyone six month in because really what else could I say? I also recognise this is possibly different from most people going through chemo and as I believe everyone has their own healing path, if you need help ask, ask, ask for it and if you need people shout it out loud!

I actually felt really blessed with my set up. I had my own little lovely space to go through whatever was to come in private. I had my sister* a phone call and hour away if needed and a smattering of friends an hour or two away who I knew would be there for me in an instant if I asked. I also discovered the joys of menulog for the first time which was a bit of a godsend. Who knew!

Back to my adventure. After returning from the Cancer Centre and a solid sleep, I sort of tried to process everything. Ok full disclosure here. Remembering I have a stoma, I could only sleep on my right side. Luckily ‘Brick’ was in my right arm, so when I say solid sleep, it was as solid as it could be with not being able to move at all. I was so scared of pulling “Brick’ out of my arm and of damaging good old “Stomey’ that I learnt to sleep basically like an awkward statue during these three day sessions. I also took about two days to work out how to turn off the rhythmic beep ‘Brick’ was emanating, which became somewhat akin to ‘water torture’. Needless to say, given I was possibly horrendously tired and cranky during my portable chemo days, living by myself was absolutely a bonus for everyone.

I do have to say though, everything actually went really well considering. I did keep forgetting about ‘Brick’ and may have managed to break a mug whilst making a cup of tea. Aside from being slightly limited by right arm movement ( ‘Oh! Damn you ‘Brick’ ) I was able to update people that all was going well. Believe it or not even mainlining glucose seemed under control. It certain increased my blood sugar readings but I was safe from an ambulance call, which was extremely satisfying given the circumstances.

I think the trick was water. I drank so much water during ‘take home chemo’ that it seemed to keep all my issues under control. I really can’t recommend water enough to help through nausea and other side effects. It certainly helped in my case, except perhaps with the steroids.

Steroids. What can I say.

I was nervous about taking the steroids. Like most people I’d read about ‘roid rage’ and other reactions to steroids, but in actuality I had no idea. So with trepidation I took one and waited…..and waited…and waited. I felt good. I felt really energised! I felt like I’d been out on a great night and was buzzing. Hello steroids! I was still feeling really good and energised at 1am. So energised that I couldn’t statue sleep, couldn’t concentrate on reading, and obviously with ‘Brick’, dancing was out of the question. So what to do? I know, I’ll start Christmas shopping online!

Well did I shop, and let me tell you this wasn’t a one off. Every time I took my steroids over the next two months, my late night Christmas online shopping continued. It got to the point I was messaging my adult kids prior to my chemo sessions asking what they wanted because, man, this going to be one heck of a Christmas and ” your mother’s steroid shopping tonight!” I don’t know what other people have experienced with steroids when on chemo, but ‘steroid shopping’ is now a catch-phrase in my household. Maybe living with other people might have curtailed my late night/early morning shopping madness, but to quote my family ‘Steroid Christmas was the best Christmas ever!”

Three days later I had not only survived, but was feeling very positive. As my wonderful support person/sister picked* me up to take me for the ‘disconnection’ of ‘Brick’ I finally knew I could do this, even if there was a long road to go. Chemo session one fully done and dusted.

• This blog’s photo is of my sister and myself on the first day of chemo discussed in blog 7. I remember we took the selfie as proof things were OK! ( and yes she gave me permission to publish this.)

https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/chemo-pump