DISCLAIMER: If you have Trypanophobia ( a fear of needles) then this might not be something you want to read.

This is just a little story about my particular adventures with a Pegfilgrastim Injection (mine was Neulasta) and is fairly common part of chemo. My adventure is absolutely specific to me and I seriously doubt my experience is typical. I have added a link at the bottom of the page for people wanting to learn more about it.

For those of you who have been following the blog I have a fear of needles. The chemo journey involves a heck of a lot of needles. Now I am sort of OK with having my blood taken ( if I breath calmly and look away from any visible blood) and believe it or not for some reason I am more than fine with taking my blood sugar readings myself. However, there was one needle that was part of the whole chemo treatment process that still haunts me. The Pegfilgrastim needle!

I had a friend who was messaging me and being supportive just before I started actual chemo. She mentioned this needle which her husband helped self administer at home. I actually looked back over our conversation just before I started writing this blog and my goodness how smug I sounded. “Oh that sounds awful, luckily I don’t have to do that. I’m not sure I could cope”.

Well guess what! I was going to have to cope! After getting the old portable chemo contraption (aka ‘Brick’) removed for the first time, I was then handed a little cooler which apparently contained said dreaded needle, together with the instructions keep it in the fridge and administer it in exactly 24 hours. OK this was unexpected. The Cancer nurse opened the cooler and there was the biggest needle I’d ever seen. Now I might be exaggerating slightly but seriously this sucker was huge. It was chunky! It was a beast.

Now for those of you who can cope easily with needles I salute you, but I could feel the anxiety building as I was driving home. Problem one, living by myself I had no option but to administer this intimidating reprobate myself. Problem two, even if I did ask someone to administer it for me, could I (or they) cope with seeing good old ‘Stomy’ (my stoma) whilst doing so? That was a hard no, so back to problem one. I’m going to be doing this doing this injection myself. According to the Cancer nurse, this needle had to be done properly to help my white blood cells recover, so ‘super beast’ came with additional responsibility and pressure. So, problem three, what if I mucked it up?

Well of course once I was home and my nemesis was safely locked away in the fridge I read the instructions. I might have dry heaved a bit at the thought of the needle going into my stomach, but I kept reading the instructions quite a few times to try and embed the process in my head, plus did a bit of Dr Googling. I then decided to ignore the lurking presence in the fridge and the mild heart palpitations I was having at the thought of performing a medical variation of seppuku to myself. The showdown was inevitable and I had about 20 hours left until it was ‘high noon’.

Twenty four hours went quickly and yes folks, it was ‘showtime’. Instructions re-read another three times and I was ready to bite the bullet. The needle ‘worked’ once you pushed it down with your thumb and heard a ‘click’ which meant success. With very very shaky hands I began the process which I now discovered was heavily thumb reliant which became a bit of a stumbling block. Do you know not once was the issue of a weak thumb mentioned in the instructions or by Dr Google. Because my hands were shaking so much I really struggled to push down the needle with my ridiculously weak thumb whilst holding the injection site with my other hand. Seriously, anyone watching would have found it hysterical observing a half naked woman yelling, “you can do this, come on you bastard, oh you prick of a thing” and a string of other obscenities directed at the needle, my thumb, and cancer in general. After what could be called a fierce contest I did manage to successfully hear the ‘click’. Success! Except I was really light headed and had to lie down for half an hour because I thought I’d faint ( which I’d never done in my life).

Now you would think once done, injecting myself with ‘mega-beast’ could only get easier, but no. Every time over the next almost dozen Pegfilgrastim injections I had exactly the same reaction. 24 hour build up of dread, do the deed (shaking profusely) and then lie down for half an hour because of the whole passing out thing. I still don’t know why this one needle gave me so much grief, but I actually still get the heebee jeebies thinking about it.

I really hope anyone else reading this who had/has to have Pegfilgrastim injections had/has a much better experience, because, in all honesty, if I ever have to have them again it will be too soon!

https://medlineplus.gov/druginfo/meds/a607058.html#:~:text=Pegfilgrastim%20injection%20(Neulasta%2C%20Udenyca),medications%20called%20colony%20stimulating%20factors.